quit crapping, get cracking!

FOR PEOPLE IN CORNWALL!

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 09:20:59 GMT

This is to anyone who lives in Cornwall:

I really, really want to start a band, i really do. I'm more than ever obsessed with music and i wanna express it in anyway possible, and since i was young i've always wanted to be in a band singing, or playing guitar. I think i'm gonna start getting guitar lessons and just see how it goes.

This is like a TOTAL dream of mine and i'd do anything for it.

So, anyone who lives near me (i live in Perranporth) who can play an instrument, really wants to be in a band (sort of punk/emo/post hardcore) but that could easily change, i like ALOT of music. I'm begging for people to reply to this.

It would be amazing if someone did.

Thank you!

Kate
xo

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 15:17:06 GMT

Hey,

So, as you know, i never update this thing, mainly because i'm too lazy to even put my thoughts into words, but anyway.

Christmas wasn't too bad, yet it made me realise how boring it actually is for me now i'm older. Whatever happened to the excitement! It annoys me, it annoys me because i know i'm getting older, and in alot of ways i don't think i want that. Since my last post on here i think i've changed my opinions on things and i've become more aware of things that i need to take into consideration, or that i think i NEED to take into consideration.

I'm more confused than EVER about my sexuality at the moment. I mean i know i'm bi, yet i'm questioning myself whether i'm going to go one way or the other, or stay put in the middle. Not meaning to say i'll choose myself, but i'm hoping that something is just going to happen and it'll tell me. I've also realised i'm not such a great person as people say i am, i mean i know i'm kind and all that but there is things about me that i don't like at the moment. I'm selfish and inconsiderate. I don't trust people enough as i should and it doesn't do me any good. I'm going to learn to take people's advice more in the future.

I think there's one more thing, i seem to always wake up early, even though i don't need to, because i always think that time is going to go so quick that i'm going to miss out on things. It's stupid i know but it's like a fucking routine at the moment. It's strange right?

I just want to say thank you so much to my family. I love you so much and i don't appreciate you half as much as i should. Thank you for my presents and keeping me smiling. Bit of a shit thank you at the end there but you get my drift!

I hope you all had a great christmas.

Love xo

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 07:27:50 GMT

i swear i've just seen a ball of fire falling from the sky and IM SURE it wasn't a plane because it was falling downwards and kept like going in different directions. that's crazy, yet probably the most exciting thing that'll happen today!

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 17:21:09 GMT

small, simple safe price
rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
this is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
and i am not afraid to die
i'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.

i want the pain of payment
what's left, but a segment of pigmy size cuts
much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

would you like my little cut?
would you be my thousand fucks?
and make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
to fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
my sad, sorry, selfish cryout to the cutter
i'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.

love is not like anything

especially a fucking knife.

(i was on such a high these last couple of days. now i just feel useless again)

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 12:24:48 GMT

I was rubbing my eyes alot last night, i can't really remember why i just was and they went all swollen. I thought they'd like go down in the night but NO i wake up this morning and they're worse! I looked like i'd been punched haha. Plus i had to go to work looking like this so i came home early. Thankfully.

I guess most of you realise that i'm so lazy that i never hardly post in here. I think it's like once a month or once every two months i post so yeah i suck at updating. But anyway time's gone by too quick yet not alot has happened. I've become obsessed with alexisonfire and i suggest you do too. I'm seeing them in december and i cannot wait!

Oh i got a new SLR camera which has left me pretty much skint. Well yeah it has left me skint but i love it. I think i might go out with it in a sec 'cause the weather's like so nice. You know when the sun is shining but it's so chilly, it's like that i love it. It's probably like the only thing i love about winter (and christmas).

So yeah, i need to get another job for christmas. I earnt over £2,000 in the summer and i've spent it all =oz (whoops)

I think i'm gonna go out for a bit and clear my head (and take pictures)

katiepop

xoxo

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 21:47:44 GMT

I got this thought earlier that i should post so much more on here. But it's the point of whether people will even read this through and ACTUALLY read it and take it in rather than just running through it and not taken a blind bit of notice to anything that i've said at all. Because i'm sure there's alot of those people. I'm one who reads it through but then never seems to really comment because i feel like i'd be saying something wrong or whatever. I don't know, i seem so confused about alot of things lately. My boyfriend doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and by putting me on answerphone seems a lovely and kind sign that he cares.

I miss my best friend Debbie so much that it's silly.

I'm fed up with work and when i have a day off, like today, it's like there is heaven. This summer has been so SHIT it's untrue. I thought it would be so wicked, meeting up with Debbie, hanging out with Ollie loads but i havn't even seen him yet, neither Debbie so that didn't really work to plan. I've been going out quite a bit with friends and that and i guess that's the only thing that has seemed to keep me happy through this summer. I know i need to keep my chin up but it gets hard at times when you can't seen to find anything to look to, like for comfort, or safety.

On the other side of things, i think i've almost sorted my photography course and i think it's gonna be so cool to do something that i actually want to do, and experience. I don't think my parents understand why i want to do it, because they think it won't get me anywhere but i mean come on, you know it will. I'd like to do it at gigs, like mixing two things i totally love together, music and photography. I just want to be proud of something i've done in my life, on my own.

katiepopx

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 14:27:38 GMT

i just got back from ollies. i slept at his last night and it was so nice. he's so gentle and caring. we were laying on his bed kissing and he stopped and looked at me and said 'i wish this could last forever'. well, as you could imagine i cried. because when he said it i could just see he meant it.

me: 'this is really strange kinda'
ollie: 'what do you mean?'
me: 'just being like this, i dont know you completly but i feel like i'v known for you ages'
ollie: 'yeah i know, me too'
ollie: 'i think i'm ready to go out with you. will you go out with me?'
me: 'YES'

i miss him.

ANOTHER one.

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 14:11:03 GMT

it's all rainy and windy and yuck today =o( but today i wouldn't let the rain get to me because i feel i'v been on top of the world lately. ever since i met ollie. i think i'v missed and forgot how it felt to be liked so much by someone who's attracted to you.

every move he made and everything he did felt special. leaning over from his seat in the cinema so he could put his arm over my waist and holding both of my hands when i could see he looked uncomfortable but he said he wasn't, that made me feel all happy knowing that he didn't have to do it but he wanted to. just when i came into the bus station and i saw him sat there waiting, then the bus pulling up and him walking over smiling it just made me so giddy. he really is something, and to still keep me feeling giddy now is great. i let him borrow some cds so me being me i wrote a little letter with them and he read it straight away so i got a bit embarressed. he said thank you for it and kissed me <3

i really hope this goes somewhere.

this is a photo i took of ollie on saturday =o)

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 14:35:36 GMT

hey guys.

just a little note to say i won't be online until monday 'cause i just cancelled my normal connection thing 'cause i'm getting broadband on monday so thought i'd let you all know. (even though my old connection seems to still be working, hmmm) not that i post on here alot as you know but just incase you did actually think i was dead.

i don't know whether to keep this journal anymore anyway, because i never seem to write anything or ever want to write anything, i guess it doesn't appeal to me as much as most of my freinds on here.

but i may start making an effort to update more, who knows! we'll see.

also (i just have to mention this because i feel ratherr happy from it) i met a guy on friday night at a festival, and we kissed! CENSOREDDD KISSING MIND!!!!11 but he seems so lovely and he even rang me. i'm meeting him on saturday so i can't wait.

thank you to joseph for introducing us, and yet again, you were right, i would of regreted it. so thank you.

i would put on a photo of ollie on here, but i don't know how to. K REWIND! i'v done it i think? well it works when i check it so hopefully it'll work for everyone else.

kate

xx xx

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 18:13:37 GMT

my mum asked the taxi driver if he'd been busy

HOW FUNNY!!!!!!!1

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 07:07:52 GMT

MORNING CALLING ALL PIGEONS A-HA!

it's 8 in the morning and i'm just getting ready for work. hopefully it wont be a busy day!

not loads has been happening lately, it's been a pretty quiet week but something has happened which i won't really say on here but the rest has mainly been working and shizzat. BUT FEAR NOT FOR EXCITEMENT TOMORROW!!!1 that's right it's MY BIRTHDAY! so i went and booked tomorrow off work for it then find out nobodys gonna be at home anyway! you can just see me now having my own little party with some old teddy puppets that i found in the loft.

i don't know what i'm getting yet, but lets hope it's lemon juice! i'v nearly run out DEBBIE. no matter what debbie tells you that shampoo she uses she refils the bottles with another white substance. i'm not kidding, it's why her hair is so sticky. talking of me debber she made me something for my birthday! and i can get it tomorrow yay.

anyone who would like to call me or text me tomorrow to just actually keep me SANE from being on my own is welcome to. BUT NO DIRTY STUFF!

i'm off to see alice today so that's gonna be jacka knacka knory!

katiepop

xx xx

Mon, 24 May 2004 17:16:05 GMT

i don't know why but i feel empty today. i'v had friends cheering me up but yet it's still there just letting me know i am going to feel shit for the rest of the day. GREAT!

so anyway trying to forget that i feel like dogs bollocks banging together i had a rather cool weekend. i ventured up to plymouth to see less than jake which turned out to be really good yet again. i think their singing live is amazing. capdown also supported are they were very good too and this other band called the aka's but i wasn't actually there to see them (train was a bit late)

i also had the pleasure of jos sweaty armpit being rubbed on my head. ta love =o) (you shit) but we had fun skanking away as you do. also saw helen which was cool. i just want to apologise to her for the things i was saying.

then i stayed at tobeys that night and went for a cool walk the next day in st austell (it does actually look ok when it's sunny)

i rang in sick at work yesterday. saying i had bad hayfever and couldnt come in. and i went in today and i acted rather well i think!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY IN 15 DAYS! ROCK ON!!!!1

see how i like to copy with the big writing and number 1's. get with it kids its the latest thing.

i will post pictures on here soon once iv asked a lovely someone on how to do it.

DEBBIESPESH IS HERE IN 37 DAYS!

katiepop

xx xx

Sun, 16 May 2004 20:38:06 GMT

I CAN'T STOP SNEEZING!!!!!1

i think it has come to that time of the year where my eyes turn into plums and i can hardly breathe out of my nose. yes. it's the dreaded H word. DUN DUN DUNNNN

HOMOSEXUAL HAYFEVER!

because it's just so gay i can't stand it. but i guess it didn't help that i was outside bearing my skin to the sun without lotion on. and that boots advert on sun lotion scared me, i saw it when i came inside and was like I DON'T WANT TO DIE NOW! NOT NOW! IT CAN'T END NOW!

the fact that it's still warm at 25 past 9 in the evening is making me smile. summer is nearly here and i'm loving it so much i could wee my pants. note to self: put incontinence pads on.

i havn't been doing too much this weekend. i'v just been working really but it's been lovely weather so i won't be complaining just yet.

so this week i will be mostly working, finding out when i'm actually leaving sixth form and visiting alice and co. at college who are lovely as pie if i must say so! cherry pie though, or apple. i don't like meaty pies really, not that i'v got anything against them just not a big fan of meat really. just the edible meat YA'LL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN!

i think from this day forward you'll have a happier katie. because summer's here and i'm loving it. it's what makes living in cornwall worth every second.

katiepop

xx xx

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 17:33:47 GMT

i should update more but i'm too lazy to even bother writing that it will probably make no sense in any way anyway. so today was a cool day. it could of been warmer but i won't complain. saw the one and only hardcore joseph, he's getting too hardcore for his own boots i'm telling ya.

i found out i got a merit for my coursework! i havn't got a merit in my life. i bet everyone wants a merit JUST because i have one, even if you don't know what it is! i guess a distinction would of been better but i'm happy with that. i just hope they don't find out that quite alot of it is copied from the net and changed a bit =\

debbiespesh rang last night and we had a lovely chat on quite a few things. train stations, alan partridge, how peter kay never gets boring, belt buckles, mcdonalds NOW being the best hangout place haha. i just can't wait to get a car, drive to mcdonalds every evening and blast out some chooooooons with the lads! it was good to talk to her on the phone after a while of not. she makes me all smiley and hyper. give her a ring and get her to do her sonya impression off alan partridge HAHA!!1 SNAPPY SNAPPS! i can't do it at all. i come out all welsh!

(i want jamie)

xx xx

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 17:18:24 GMT

i'm listening to reel big fish. ALWAYS makes me happy. and oh my you should hear me singing to the songs. especially the high notes! haha. chekkit.

soo what have i been up to? not loads but not nothing. i started back at the hotel on good friday so iv been working since then with NO day off. atleast it's good money. i also found out today that tomorrow there is 37 rooms going. it's gonna be fun.

also nat came down last friday. so i went to see her last saturday and it was good to see her. we went out to a pub in newquay and had some fun saying things like 'its only gay if you cum' so there we were asking questions like 'is it gay if you get a hard on when watching gay porn?' and then everyone was just like 'only if you cum' it got a bit over the top.

also on wednesday night i went to this guys house party. he's a guy from 6th sixth form who i hardly know and he's so weird yet funny at the same time. i knew jamie was coming so that made me more happier that night. im starting to really like him and he's said to fiona he likes me also, yet loves being single. lovely. i'm glad fiona came that night though. i thought at first i wasn't going to get on with her and that we had alot of differences. but i'v got to know her alot more now. and i respect her. she feels she can tell me things that she cant tell anybody else and that's great. like somebody is putting their thoughts towards you with confidence.

so yeah i'v been feeling really good lately. also amy took me out to the pub on thursday night and i came out to her about how i'v been feeling so low. scratching myself and everything. i ended up crying from 12 till 1 in her room with her. she made me feel so much better though, with every word she said to me. every single word. yet everything she said made me cry with realisation that i'v ignored so many good things in my life. since that night i'v changed.

fuck all this about me feeling low about nothing. it's not worth it.

'you just have to hold out for the good things in life. hold your head high and know you're getting outta there' <3

xx xx

. stare if you're gonna stare

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 15:48:14 GMT

check out 'glass vase cello case' by tattle tale. i think it's such a beautiful song. not alot of singing but then you don't always need singing to make a song beautiful.

BUT if you can't find that song then try and find 'she looks at me' by tattle tale.

things are ok with me today. and were yesterday. i'v come to realise that i should be happy with what i have right now. because it does mean so much and it would be so much to lose if i carried on thinking that i have nothing.

at half past ten last night i had a cigarette out of my window and the moon was so bright. it was so beautiful that it made me smile. and i think at the same time BLINDED ME. because i woke up this morning and said 'hi dad'. it was my mum. i really have to tell her to shave that tash. HAHA!!1 (btw she doesn't have one)

but yes. get those songs!

honestly.

katieepop

x

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 21:12:32 GMT

ignore my last entry.

i was being really selfish and unfair. sorry.

i need to change things about me that i know i can actually change when i put my mind completly towards it. to stop being so ignorant towards my family and most of my friends who are always gonna be there for me and help me. i can't believe myself. i will change for you because you mean more than anything to me. you're my best friends and i shouldn't be like this to you. it's like we hardly talk some of us. and it's because i don't make an effort.

i'm sorry. i'm gonna change.

xx xx

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 15:43:22 GMT

i came home from school early today. this morning i felt so tired yet i went to bed early. hmm? i came home because i just didn't want to spend another second in school today. it was like i was speaking to my friends but they didn't really bother with what i was saying. maybe i'm being just a little selfish. but it was like they were talking about things then i'd ask what they were saying and it was like it didn't matter to me anyway. so i just walked out and got a bus home. i shouldn't of, but i felt i wasn't wanted there. but hey shit happens. to shits. you shits. bastards shit arse shits. shit face and head shits. just basically plain shits.

the sun's out today <3 and its warm i like it. it makes me happy. so i sat on a seat looking over the beach. i'm so lucky to live here. i walked home over the cliffs just for the hell of it. i walked past the youth hostel and smiled. knowing debbie is going to be there soon just makes how bad i'm feeling x9874598578470 better.

i'm going to go and do my work. because if i don't start it now i know i'll never get it done tonight. can someone tell me how to put pictures on here please. i only know how to write in here and that's about it hah.

'leave me here in my stark raving sick sad little world'

x

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 20:55:18 GMT

i wish i updated more on here. i feel i waste my thoughts away if i don't write them down in here. i think i waste them away either way. i should write down things more to know i thought these things that meant something or were atleast interesting. i don't know if that made any sense at all. if it did to anyone i'd be surprised.

i talked to my mum like shit again yesterday. i really wish i knew why i can't just atleast act happy or even interested. i don't mean to talk to her like it. i really don't and i really am trying to stop talking to my parents that way because not only does it make me upset but it makes them upset. i will try to stop it. you could say i punished myself last night for doing it by slashing my arm. which was nice. i'v never really harmed myself like that. yet i felt it helped. which in a way is a good thing. and in another it's not at all.

i want to go up to london at easter to see le tigre with my bee but i asked my parents. and they said no. i don't know if they trust me or not. but i think the fact is they don't trust london. plus they havn't met debbie before so that could be another reason. i hope after they do meet her they WILL let me go stay with her. because at the moment they probably think she's some rageing dyke out to get some of my ass. well yes. we ALL know that. pfft.

i feel a bit better now. i felt rather sick earlier and a little achey. but i'm keeping my chin up the best i can.

xx xx

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 08:13:38 GMT

it came to me yesterday that i'v been ignoring things alot lately. most of them on purpose but i shouldn't do. at school i felt alone or left out. like everyone just wanted to get on with things and i was there getting stuck in the past of it. i don't like moaning about my problems at all, i'd rather keep them to myself but i wanted to write this. i hate not being able to make myself happy or even just feel ACTUALLY happy. i know people see me as katie 'the one who laughs at anything' or 'shes always smiling' but i'm not inside. why can't i be truly happy for once? i hide it all because i don't want to show the people i care for that i'm always like this, like they don't help at all. they do help. i'm grateful for the friends i have got. because a year ago i didn't have anyone. it all comes down to me not liking myself. liking how i look, how i think, how i react to most things, how i hurt.

i prayed to god last night. because it helps. i said i don't like myself. that i'm sorry to my friends who i seem to just let down. i said i want to die. i'd rather be dead at the moment. then come back to life when i feel like it. but it doesn't work like that. i have to be strong in myself and i have to think about what way i want to go. i don't ask for much do i?

i'm going to admit also that i do look up to debbie alot more than any of my other friends. and i know that i do more things for debbie than any other friends. i don't like myself for doing it so i'm going to put a change to it. sorry. i'v never met debbie but i don't think no one knows how i truly feel about her. and no not like that. she's my best friend regardless of what has happened in the past. i'm just so sorry for my other friends who i'v kept in the dark. all i want is for deb to be proud of me. whatever i do. i want all of my friends to be proud of me. i feel like failure. a failure at just not even running my fuckin life properly.

i'm so sorry. i truly am.

x

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:27:51 GMT

soo my grandparents are coming down tonight for a week. it will be really good to see them, i kinda find it hard though with my granddad. he had a stroke about a year ago and he's not completly all there now. as you would of guessed. repeats himself and forgets alot of things.

thank you to ben for doing my journal for me. it might still be changing. because i think it's too dark. but yeah. any suggestions? i took that picture that's the background by the way. yes i know, i'm SO good. oh stop stop that's enough.

i keep getting bad circulation in my right hand. it's REALLY annoying. it keeps going red and i can feel the blood's not getting to it properly. i'm such a tard.

apart from that my day was ok actually. i did do work and i did finish something that i had to finish. jo ate three hash cakes yesterday afternoon and he was still stoned today. on top of a shelter making 'oooooooo' sounds.

i think that's all.

katieepop
xx xx

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 22:08:02 GMT

i HATE planning.

today has been so fucking boring that i could of died. and i will even put that in writing for you.

i planned to meet fiona in the day to talk about things with her, but then that went wrong. i didn't mind, but it would of been really cool to just hang out. seeing as iv only ever been with her in school. and i wanted to talk to someone.

then tonight i might of been staying at a friends house. but she didn't get in touch. so i'm guessing she is babysitting after all. would of been nice to hear from her to say though.

is that so much to ask for?

do i ask for so much?

i want someone here beside me to hear what i have to say. to understand how i feel.

i can't even give her one hug.

x

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 17:39:03 GMT

i want to grab something right now.

like lungs.

and sqeeze all the air out of them.

i just feel the need to grab and hold on tight.

i think i'm more lonely than ever now.

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 20:05:25 GMT

anyone want to give me a hug?

</3

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 23:58:00 GMT

i feel so shit tonight.

i was waiting for the bus home in newquay and started crying. infront of jo and nat.

i don't really know why i did. it just comes out. it seems to be happening alot lately. like it just comes out there and then for no particular reason.

i think one of the reasons i did tonight though was because i felt so lonely. there's jo and nat hugging and everything. happy. and there's me. i want that someone.

i don't like crying by myself anymore.